Next Stage of Life

Three generations and stages of life.

Today, I had coffee with a friend I hadn't seen in a year.  We've known each other for a couple years, and she has become a good friend.  She needed someone to listen to her and I was ready.

Whenever we meet, our conversations flow freely covering topics like educating youth, travel, family, and politics.  It feels like we have been friends forever because there is never an awkward moment between us.

Having coffee and conversation with a friend.

Cathy, (not her real name) shared her busy life with me: aging parents, teenage kids (one heading to college), and a fulfilling career.  To me, she seemed like she had it all together - a real-life superhero.

Beneath her smart confident exterior, Cathy was unsure about what lay ahead.  Cathy is entering what I like to call the 'next stage of life'.  The time when children leave home, parents age, and retirement is around the corner.  Being younger than me, she sought guidance for this new phase.

Expressing fears and seeking answers to emerging life changes can be challenging for many women.  We pride ourselves on being masters of multitasking.  We can run the house, manage the kids, have a career and help our community all at once.  On Mother’s Day, we might get breakfast in bed or a homemade gift, but by Monday we're back to multitasking.

Writing this down makes me think that any woman who can handle all of this, plus address whatever side issues come along, would make a good CEO or President of the United States.

From personal experience, I can say that my friends and I can handle almost anything life throws our way. I love the phrase, ‘put on your big girl pants’ because it symbolizes how women face life's curveballs.  However, the next stage curveball can be particularly challenging.

Circling back to my friend Cathy, I asked her a couple of questions to gauge how she was doing.  She confessed that over the last few months she had not taken a moment for herself. She is a great mom, and excellent and creative worker, as well as a loving daughter to her aging parents.  But she seemed to be struggling inside to keep it together.

When I asked her how she was sleeping she smiled and told me about her dog who only wants her to sleep six hours a night.  He is an older animal so there are fewer options on how to address this.  Since the dog doesn’t need to use the toilet at the six hour mark, I suggested she get some noise cancelling headphones and an eye mask.

The sleep buds that I have are no longer made but I do know there are other makers out there offering similar products.  Unlike earplugs, they fit comfortably in your ear and you download an app that allows you to choose what you would like to listen to while you rest.  I prefer to listen to white noise but they also offer gentle rain, waves, and wind.  With the sleep buds and an eye mask Cathy should be able to catch a couple extra hours of sleep.

I also mentioned that it might be useful to see a psychologist to help process the changing dynamics with her aging parents.  Several years ago, I decided it was time to see a psychologist to help me understand my relationship with my parents.  For decades I told myself I could solve my own problems.  For decades I missed out on the benefits of therapy.

Therapy is great!  Forget whatever your parents might have said about seeking counseling.  Stop thinking that only weak people or people with real problems use therapy.  Everyone can benefit from therapy at some point in life.  And as we all enter that next stage of life a therapist can help to make it go more smoothly.

When we start caring for our aging parents and watch them become frail and in need of help, it can slap you in the face.  My own father went from a strong healthy man to a stage 4 cancer patient in under a year.  The change was dramatic and he lived far away from me with no one to help him.  He was a stubborn and proud man who didn’t want his only child feeling obligated to care for him.  But he also needed the help.

I felt it was my privilege and duty to care for him.  He raised me, guided me, and loved me with his whole being.  When it was my turn to care for him I skimped on sleep, flew to see him when I could, and did research and advocacy for him with his doctors.  I never stopped worrying about him.

In a fairly short time, we settled into a new dynamic with me as his advocate and care coordinator.  And my then young daughters got a valuable life lesson in caring for their elders.  The last summer my father was alive we three girls lived and cared for him.

Both girls took turns caring for him and Roberta stepped up and helped with changing his colostomy bag.  Sofie too was there to help, even though she was far too young to do so.  The dynamic in the house went from breezy and carefree to quieter and sometimes frustrating as Dad continued to try to be the leader he was used to being.  I was perpetually exhausted.

I don’t remember taking time for myself.  I was still a mom, a wife, and a private tutor at that time.  Each day included time spent with my dad, time spent with the girls, and time spent making people think everything was going great.

Perhaps this sounds familiar to you?  We all have had experiences dealing with more than we thought we could handle - and we handled it as best we could because we had to.  As adult children in our forties and fifties, we are far more resilient than we realize.  We need to give ourselves credit for the amazing jobs we are doing every day.  But we also need to remember to have self-care too.

Remember, even Wonder Woman and Superman sleep and take time for themselves.  And this is exactly what I reminded Cathy to do.  If you are spending all your time caring and thinking of others you will eventually burn out.

Recent medical studies on sleep are showing that sustained sleep loss can lead to an increase in the chance of getting Alzheimers.  Think about it, babies sleep a lot because they learn and develop while they sleep.  They also wake up and are ready to retain more.

Adults are no different than babies in this respect.  Our brains need time to rest and process. If at all possible, try to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night.  You will be amazed at how refreshed and ready you are for the day ahead after a good night's sleep.   

At the end of our long conversation, Cathy hugged me and promised to take better care of herself.  If you are going through a stressful time, I encourage you to take time for yourself.  Consider seeing a psychologist if the stressors in your life are preventing you from sleeping or consuming your thoughts.  And if you're entering or are in the next stage of your life, be kind to yourself and embrace it.  It might be challenging, but if you've made it this far, I know you can navigate the next stage.